'Twas The Night Before Mueller
‘Twas the night before Christmas
when thro’ the White House,
Not an immigrant was stirring, not even his spouse;
The McDonald’s was wrapped up by the pillow with care,
Just in case POTUS got hungry while there;
The two eldest boys were asleep in their beds,
While visions of Fox News anchors danc’d in their heads,
And Melania in her night gown, ignoring my tap,
Had just turned away for her long winter’s nap-
When out on the south lawn there arose such a clatter,
I turned off Rush Limbaugh to see what was the matter.
To the window I went as the dark room unwinds,
Hiked up my undies, and opened the blinds.
The moon on my eyes was more kind than the eclipse,
Illuminating the lawn cut by the boy who didn’t take tips;
When, what to my failing eyes did befell,
But a humming black van with the words SPECIAL COUNSEL,
With a spirited driver, an oh-so-clever looking fella,
I knew in a moment it must be Robert Mueller!
More rapid than eagles, his prosecutors came,
As I drew in my head, he calmly called them by name:
“Now! Ahmad, now! Goldstein, now! Quarles, and Zebley,
“On! Van Grack, on! Quarles, on! Zelinsky and Dickey;
“To the top of Mar-a-lago! To the bottom of Trump Tower!
Now seize everything! everything! take all his power!”
Like an unraked forest that a fire had burned,
This whirlwind of activity would leave no stone unturned;
So ascending the roof, the team somehow flew,
With their black, sturdy van and Robert Mueller too:
And then, in a flash, I heard them up above,
Sweeping for evidence, each wearing a black, leather glove.
Knowing they were looking was not good for my health,
To make matters worse, I suddenly saw Mueller himself:
He’d snuck in the side door and was dressed in a suit,
When he saw my reaction he let out a hoot;
A bundle of evidence stored in his briefcase,
And he look’d relieved, like he’d just won the race:
His eyes – how they twinkled! His jawline so firm,
His cheeks were like roses, his nose oh so stern;
His lips were pursed, like he’d something to say,
He was very clean cut, with no stubble that day;
He took out a cigar and lighter from the vest that he wore,
His smoke rings were perfect, he had done this before.
He had an honest face, and a veteran’s physique
He was tall and athletic and in no way meek
He was scary and strong and so much smarter than I
I peed my pants a bit and couldn’t help but cry
A wink of his eye and a nod of his head
Soon let me know that I had everything to dread
He spoke not a word, but continued his job,
And found all my tapes, even the ones from the mob,
And pointing at me was a man so big and so large,
He shook his head and back out the side door he’d charge.
He returned to his van, to his team gave a shout,
Seventeen of them came, carrying evidence out:
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight-
Mueller Christmas Donald, enjoy your last night!
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