It Can Be Cured: Free Medical Advice for Those Struggling with Hillary Clinton's Inevitable Candidacy

So you've been diagnosed with HILS.  

Well, fear not! This page is designed to educate and enlighten you regarding the nationwide affliction known as Hillary Is Likely Syndrome, or HILS, for short.  


HILS is a disease that first became prevalent in the fall of 2007 and it picked up steam into the first half of 2008. At the time, it affected a fairly significant number of people, many of whom later came down with a case of Racism Is Over, or RIO or short, in which they mistakenly believed that racism would be over once an African-American was elected president. Both HILS and RIO seemed to largely affect Democratic voters, many of whom voted in 2008 and shortly thereafter succumbed to a prolonged bout of apathy that lasted the next seven years. The number of cases of HILS dropped dramatically between 2009 and 2014 but picked up again in 2015 and the country has seen the number of cases steadily increase since April of 2015.  


HILS sufferers demonstrate remarkably similar symptoms across the board. Those symptoms include paranoia, delusions, delirium, short-sightedness, and an inability to think critically. Suffers of HILS have been known to become easily-influenced and have demonstrated a tendency for making poor life choices such as marrying your high school sweetheart, majoring in communications, purchasing an SUV in a location without significant snowfall, or supporting the candidacy of Bernie Sanders. Suffers of HILS also become irritable, often wagging a finger during discussions, having issues with voice modulation, and showcasing a subtle yet noticeable disdain for the female sex. HILS essentially blocks all common sense and forces its sufferers to believe in unrealistic fantasies such as being able to pass any sort of progressive legislation through a Republican-controlled Congress or being able to experience a "political revolution" led by an independent senator who has yet to raise any money for a single candidate other than himself. 

Whom It Affects

The most recent outbreak of HILS has been particularly hard for those with conservative ideologies as well as affluent White males age 18-30. It seems to be particularly widespread among those who view MSNBC, CNN, and The Young Turks as well as those who receive their political news from Daily Kos, AlterNet, Raw Story, and Salon Magazine. In addition, HILS has also affected a wide range of celebrities including Sarah Silverman, Spike Lee, Ryan Gosling, Danny DeVito, Margaret Cho, Eliza Dushku, and Alyssa Milano. Extreme cases of HILS have even been confirmed in Susan Sarandon, Mark Ruffalo, Michael Moore, Bill Maher, Cornel West, and Killer Mike.


The only way to cure HILS is a steady daily dosage of truth serum for a month straight while ignoring all mainstream media. For those White males age 18-30, it is recommended to take two daily doses with food to make up for your lack of understanding as to how the political process works. For females, it is recommended to take three daily doses with food to help you realize that our country will never have a more qualified woman seeking higher office. For everyone else, it is recommended to take a single daily dose of truth serum with food to be taken at the family dinner table where all cell phones are put away and the family is engaged in good old-fashioned conversation. 


To know if the truth serum has been effective, you will have to be able to successfully counter misinformation that fellow suffers of HILS will be spreading. Listed below are several model answers that someone who has been cured of his or her HILS will be able to communicate. If you find yourself unable to replicate the facts in the responses below, it is likely that you are still suffering from HILS and should immediately return to the pharmacy to refill your prescription of truth serum. 

"Hillary is a corporate shill!"  

This popular symptom comes from the fact that Hillary is supported by her constituents; in her case it just so happens that her constituents as senator from New York were a large number of businesspeople who worked on Wall Street contribute to candidates they feel will best help the current financial situation in this country. As senator, Hillary was supported by organizations like JP Morgan Chase & Company, CitiGroup, and Morgan Stanley. However, in her run for president none of those organizations are among her top-twenty donors. Barack Obama, who received the support of these organizations in 2008 but not 2012, most likely lost their support after putting in place strict financial regulations. Therefore, it makes logical sense that the organizations that previously supported Hillary are moving away from her due to her strong plan to reign in abuses on Wall Street. If she's a corporate shill, she's clearly doing it wrong.

"Hillary sold out to Goldman Sachs!"  

This recent symptom comes from Glenn Greenwald's The Intercept, a website whose official tagline is "unofficial sources." It is centered on the fact that as the most admired woman in the world for twenty years had the gall to present three of her speeches to an audience at Goldman Sachs, an investment banking firm located in New York City. The first critique is the price of $225,000 per speech which some see as excessive. However, the price for these speeches is set by Hillary's agent and represents a price tag that organizations like Goldman Sachs are willing to pay to have somebody of Hillary's caliber come in and address employees. In addition, all these speeches were given at a time when Clinton had not declared her candidacy so she not only talked with financial groups but she also spoke to groups involved in the business, medical, trade, and transportation fields. Yes, she received large sums of money to give speeches, but over a seven-year period from 2007-2014 her and her husband donated $15 million to charity, with large amounts of that coming from their paid speeches. 

"Hillary should release the transcripts of her Goldman Sachs transcripts!"  

This is the second Goldman Sachs-related symptom and it is a smear designed to again question Hillary's integrity. No candidate in the history of our country has been asked to release their speaking transcripts, so why should Hillary be held accountable to this impossible standard? Why isn't Ted Cruz being asked to release his speeches? After all, his wife works for Goldman Sachs and they have contributed to his presidential campaign. Talk about a conflict of interests. However, since Hillary's integrity has already been questioned, this attack seeks to further damage her reputation without any actual evidence. According to legal experts, there exists the possibility that Hillary Clinton might not even be able to legally release the transcripts due to having signed non-disclosure and confidentiality agreements. Even if she could legally release the transcripts, what kind of bombshell might they contain? Well, according to attendees of one of Hillary's speeches in October of 2013 it involved "rah-rah stuff" that was "basic" in nature. Oh, the humanity!

"Hillary can't be trusted!"

This deep-rooted symptom involves falling victim to twenty-five years of smears designed to besmirch the reputation of a strong, independent woman. If you honestly believe she can't be trusted, then you've bought the Republican narrative created to take down the most qualified woman to ever run for president. It doesn't matter that through all that she has been accused of, she has yet to be convicted of a crime. Seven separate Benghazi probes found that she did nothing wrong despite Republican efforts to viciously and atrociously blame her for the deaths of four Americans. She is unlikely to be indicted for her use of a private email server as Secretary of State despite their being constant rumors about it being inevitable. During the presidency of George W. Bush there were 13 separate attacks, killing 60 Americans and not a single high-profile probe was established to address the issue. During that same time, both Condoleeza Rice and Colin Powell used private email servers as Secretary of State and it was never an issue. I wonder why both have become issues now? 

"Hillary apologizes for her mistakes!" 

This symptom makes zero sense. Personally I don't want a leader who is unable to learn from his or her experiences. It takes real courage to admit when you are wrong. But this day and age, we see humility as a weakness. It is why Ted Cruz continues to peddle the lie that Barack Obama went on an apology tour after becoming president. The truth is, a real leader needs to be able to look back on his or her experiences and reflect on both the good and the bad. Hillary admitted her vote in favor of the Iraq War was a mistake. She admitted in hindsight that it would have been preferable if she had used a government email account rather than a private server. She took back and later offered a thorough and thoughtful response after she mischaracterized Nancy Reagan's life at her funeral of all places. I want a president who has the foresight to move the country forward but also the hindsight to make sure we don't repeat our mistakes, no matter how well-informed or well-intentioned they may have been at the time.  

"I just don't like Hillary Clinton"

This symptom represents more questions than answers. Why don't you like her? Do you know her personally? Did she steal your puppy? Dent your car? Cut in front of you in line at Safeway? What is it about this very public person that you don't like? Because the Hillary Clinton we all see in the media is only a small part of the woman as a whole. We don't know what it's like to be in her shoes and we never will. But what we can learn is what she's like when the cameras aren't rolling or when she's given an opportunity to share with the world what she's really concerned about. What is says about her that she's talking to union workers at 3 A.M. in a Las Vegas casino laundry room. What is says about her that she stays after a debate and talks with a Guatemalan woman whose husband was deported. What is says that she used the national spotlight to highlight the Flint water crisis at a time when our mainstream media refused to cover the story. What is says about her that she's willing to concede that she's not a gifted politician like her husband or President Barack Obama. What is says about her that through everything she's had to endure, from the attacks from the right and now the Bernie Sanders wing of the "progressive" left, that she's still going strong and still on track to become our country's first female president is remarkable. Even if after all that you still don't like it, you owe it to her, and more specifically you owe it to yourself, to respect her.

Side Effects

Side effects of truth serum may include improved perception, heightened awareness, increased intelligence, and a mental acuity that will make you extremely attractive to those with whom you would like to become intimate. In addition, truth serum will also heighten your awareness of political bullshit to the point where you feel compelled to point out misinformation to your friends and family in person and through social media in an effort to prevent the spread of further HILS. In addition, you will experience much lower levels of apathy and will reach the logical conclusion that Hillary Clinton is the only chance Democrats have of keeping an extreme right wing ideologue from being elected president who has the potential to undermine President Barack Obama's legacy while setting back the clock on unions, campaign finance reform, voting rights, women's health, and LGBT rights for a generation or longer.


Scientists believe that this current outbreak of HILS will have a shelf life of roughly eight months and cases are suspected to subside right around the second Tuesday in November. However between now and that time it is essential that people with HILS properly receive the truth serum and that they wise up before it becomes too late. If HILS continues to be unaddressed, it could cause hundreds of thousands of American citizens to sit out the most important election in American history simply because they were unable to swallow their pride along with a healthy dose of the truth. Should that happen, should Democratic voters sit out the November election because their candidate did not win the nomination, it could lead to unprecedented disaster and a case where the environment of the country could be ripe for a nationwide outbreak of the FEED virus: Fuck Everyone Elected Donald.

And that virus is the deadliest of all.

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