My parents had three children they could claim on their taxes. Thus they paid very little income tax, if any. We all leeched off the teat of the makers. We are humbly sorry.
One of my earliest memories is of being at the A&P up from our block with my grandfather, and him paying for his groceries with funny looking money. I was to learn later that he used foodstamps. For not wanting to starve, he was a moocher. He apologizes from the grave.
I've had a stutter for most of my life. For most of the time I lived in New York, I had some sort of publicly funded speech therapy. When I attended Bronx Science, I had a speech pathologist come to visit me every week. If I had just put pebbles in my mouth like Demosthenes, I could have proudly claimed that I cured myself. I'm sorry for this display of weakness.
Our health insurance growing up was Medicaid. My mother is on Medicare. Takers the lot of us. Forgive us.
Yes, I got into UCLA partly through affirmative action. That and the fact that I knocked the SAT's out of the park. But forget that I made the Dean's List for several quarters; I was nothing but a user.
I availed myself of Pell Grants and small loans for my undergraduate degree, and of federally backed loans for my Master's. Of course, I'm paying all the loans back. UCLA was done several years ago; Sallie Mae owns me for my graduate degree. And I worked during all phases of my educational career. But I feel heartbroken that someone making over $250,000 had to finance my education—an education which has made me a productive member of society—for even the barest sliver of a portion of his exorbitant taxes. For that, I truly apologize.
I work for the library. Not a private archive, or a private company with the need for someone with a library degree. I work in the public sector. It was never my intention to do so; I tried my damnedest to find a job in private industry. But the public library was the one that hired me. I receive a good salary, excellent benefits, and the joy of helping people who are grateful that you are there. I apologize for serving my community, when anyone in the making class knows I should only serve my own will.
I drive in a government regulated car to work, on government funded roads, and put government taxed gasoline in my vehicle. I will work harder to eradicate all these forms of onerous government intervention in the free market. Please be patient with me.
My wife has pre-existing conditions. She apologizes in advance if she ever leaves her job, but is able to port her health insurance while she looks for new employment, thanks to insurance companies not being able to discriminate against people with such maladies. We know it cuts into the bottom lines of those good, decent corporations.
We apologize for clean air, clean water, medicines which don't poison us, food which doesn't kill us, schools which accept all of our children regardless of their economic status. We don't know how we'd live without these things, but are sorry that we offend you so.
Now, please, stop hanging tea bags from your hats and stop talking to empty chairs. We may be the 47%, but you guys are just strange.